Legal Preparations for Caregiving

Sometimes, even when approached with sensitivity and respect, loved ones resist discussing such personal matters and plans.

It always surprises me how many people do not have health and financial legal documents in place in case of emergency or death. I know it's easy to procrastinate when a task can be so confusing and daunting, especially when you may already be swamped with caregiving duties. But you don't want to find yourself struggling over complicated legal matters when there's a crisis and tensions are high.

When my sister suddenly became gravely ill after cardiac arrest, I thought I had up-to-date, witnessed electronic copies of her legal documents. I discovered that I didn't, and I had to search through her house — incredibly stressful on top of the strains of shock and deep grief. I realized how important it was to be prepared. That's why in my book, AARP's Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving, I included a chapter that describes the important steps.

Below is an excerpt regarding the first step:

Talking with your loved ones about plans and wishes

Discuss these matters early and often — before a crisis occurs. If your loved one hasn't taken the steps outlined here, you'll need to help them do so. Some topics you'll want to address with them:

• What plans and legal documents they already have in place and how to access them

• Who they want to make financial and medical decisions on their behalf

• Whether they would want life-sustaining treatments if they had a terminal condition

• How they would like the end of their lives to be handled

• What their preferences are for funeral, burial and memorial service arrangements

• Whether they want donations in their name in lieu of flowers, and if so, to what organizations

• What they want done with their property after their death

Sometimes, even when approached with sensitivity and respect, loved ones resist discussing such personal matters and plans. Know that you can only do your best to help them. If they refuse to accept assistance or share information but can still make their own decisions, you may not be able to do anything. In that case, be there for whatever help they allow you to provide and choose to act differently in terms of your own long-term planning. Often it helps to bring in an objective third party, such as a counselor, doctor, lawyer or mediator.